Hey Day, Fuck You.

What is it about certain days that just make you want to crawl out of your skin and hide under a rock? I can rationally look around and tell myself, "everything is good, everything is how it should be. I'm surrounded by love and no one is in ill condition." Yet I can still feel helplessly depressed and alone. It would be easy to say this is a cosmic imbalance. Just something in the air. And to be honest, I don't know enough to say that's not exactly what it is, but these days aren't uncommon for me.

I have struggled with depression since I was a teenager. There are way more good days then bad days, but those bad days can be emotionally brutal. I try to remember to be truly present those good days and soak it all in really absorbing those moments to remember when things get dark for me. I always try to channel my negative energy into something positive. Usually my go to is art. I can express how I feel or work on something that reflects how I want to feel. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't help and only aggravates me because my patience is too thin. 

That was how today went for me. A series of failed attempts to create something with the followed feeling of defeat and annoyance. That's when those thoughts of positivity and hope turn to self-doubt and bullying. That's right, bullying. We bully ourselves when we are down. We compare ourselves to others that we know or even ones we don't. We beat ourselves up because essentially we want better for ourselves and we just aren't where we think we are supposed to be. I struggle with this all the time. I have to work harder to be in my own corner and lift myself up instead of knocking myself down. Reminding myself that I rock even when I feel like a loser. I don't want any enemies, but I certainly don't want my worst enemy being myself. Today wasn't the best day, but tomorrow is a new chance to grasp the day and show it who's boss. Reminding myself and everyone following along that you rock and you are not alone!


Mallory Moulay