Happy Birth Day Mom.
Growing up my mom used to say how mom’s should be the ones we celebrate on our birthday’s because of what they went through to get us here. Hours of excruciating labor after months and months of carrying us around uncomfortably. I never agreed. That was until I had Violet. Now I totally get where she was coming from. So for my birthday I’m writing a thank you to my mom.
29 years ago today I popped out of you. Coming in at a 9 lbs while being awkwardly long, alien-like as you like to say. As I squirmed around for the first time in the outside world I’m sure you were terrified. Your life forever changed in that moment. It all became real and there was no going back. I had those same feelings when I had Violet. And in my moments as a new mom you’ve never been so relatable to me. I then understood your love as a mother and how truly unconditional it is.
We left that hospital in 1987 with a new start. You and I were facing this new world together. Hand in hand we got through whatever obstacle that laid in front of us. You were stronger than you ever give yourself credit for especially when it was just you and I. We formed an unbreakable bond in those beginning years. In all the chaos of life we always had each other.
I’m sure liking me wasn’t always easy though. To say I was a difficult child might be an understatement. With a flair for dramatics I always kept you on your toes. I talked your ear off in the backseat of your car and wore you out as if there were multiple of me. You entertained my singing as long as it wasn’t at the table and helped facilitate all my celebrity crush posters for my walls. You always wanted to give me better than what you had growing up. I never acted like I appreciated it much, but I did. And now knowing how hard the struggle is I appreciate it that much more.
If those child years weren’t hard enough I became an angsty teenager. Full of misguided anger and an endless series of emotional rollercoasters. Would have been easier to have given up on me, yet you never did. I have made you the most mad anyone has ever made you, but you still refrained from beating me senseless. I would have earned that. I was mean and nasty and told you I hated you on more than one occasion. I can’t imagine how painful that was for me to say. I’m sorry. I never hated you.
Things got hard that last year in high school and while I suffered from tragedy you stood by my side. I only tried to push you away though. I know you were only trying to help steer me while I was spinning out of control. Knowing how deep in a hole I was must have been terrifying. You tried your best to keep me safe from myself. I’m sorry for scaring you and keeping you up all night.
Through all the difficult times we shared, I never stopped loving you or admiring you. You were always on a pedestal. You were my mom and I always needed you to be in my corner. I wasn’t good at showing it and I’m still not the most affectionate, but I don’t know what I would do without you.
Having my own daughter opened my eyes to what I could never understand before.The fear we have for them. The need to do anything you can to make them happy. Our hopes and dreams for our children. We will do everything we can to help guide them because life is hard and there’s an awful lot of nonsense that gets thrown our way. Everything you did for me was with love in your heart. I will be the same with Violet.
You have taught me how to be a mom and I love that I have you to turn to when things get hard. I’m sure it will be no walk in the park those teenage years. So this letter is a collection of one big fat I’m sorry and thank you. Sorry I was an asshole growing up and thanks for not killing me. I have learned so much from you and continue to grow from your advice. Our forever bond is something I will always cherish and appreciate. So lucky Violet gets to have that special bond with you too!
Love your first, favorite and most difficult child,